Tag Archives: journey

“My home was never on the ground…”

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My birthdays aren’t my milestones, it’s all the different times I’ve moved…

So what happens when I stay in one place for ten years? I celebrate… BIG. And I can feel my 18 year old self judging me.

I don’t know what it’s like to grow up in a hometown, to come back to the house that I grew up in. The last time I lived in one of my childhood homes was the Christmas of grade 12. So, after college, I just kept on going – and wouldn’t allow myself to settle down. Once 2 years hit, I’d move, not necessarily on purpose. But force of habit. Nothing was permanent. I was always thinking about the “next thing”.

And, to be honest, I probably was a little proud of that. We’re always told to “bloom where you’re planted”, but I was more of a tumbleweed.

So when I moved to Baltimore in 2009, it was the same thing. Friends would ask me if I was going to buy a house here and my response was always “Well, I would if I was going to be here in the next five years, but I doubt I will be…”

2009

The Joy of Staying
It took me a long time to resign myself to actually being in a place.

But a couple years went by… and I stopped looking to that “next thing”. And I liked it. Was this what it meant to BE someplace?

Suddenly, I could actually say to my friend’s son “I remember when you were “this big”. I could help out a visitor and rattle off place after place for a recommendation. I can tell you what 3 stores were on the corner before that 7-11. I’ve committed to 3 years on our church board (read that: THREE!). I’ve seen a community take shape and am part of those inside jokes that other friend groups always had to explain to me, the newcomer.

I began to carve out a very small history for myself and with others. And I actually saw people leave, while I stayed.

Sometimes, I get a sense here that people found my past wandering life a little strange. But now I’m starting to experience something new.

Those who understood my wanderlust life are starting to find my settled life strange.

I don’t always want to talk about the fact that I grew up in Indonesia. My family doesn’t quite understand why I don’t need to live in Oregon – where my parents retired. I have more ties here in Baltimore now than I do in Oregon. Ten years of ties. When I told my college mentors – world travelers themselves – that I celebrated 10 years, I got a bit of a hesitant ‘congrats’. And truth is, I had to work through some of the expectations of that 18 year old girl who never thought she’d settle down.

But how can a plant grow tall and bloom, if it’s moved every time it tries to root down?

I’m not going to lie. I experience phases of restlessness. In fact, this year has been one (see previous Advent post!). 10 years is daunting for someone who’s moved every two years since college. I visit another city … I have a bad week … I see an old friend … Baltimore seems very very small at times – and maybe I won’t be here next year – But reflecting this last week has made me grateful for this decade, this space, the many people I’ve come across and the many experiences that have happened because I have allowed myself to put down roots.

This may sound strange to both people who have lived in one place all their lives as well as to those who still move or travel, but this milestone is a pretty big deal for me.

So for today, this plant is here … and “I’ve got roots”.

2019

title reference: Alice Merton “No Roots“

Advent 2017: the Maji, Journeys and Hope

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Somehow this year, I’ve been thinking a lot about the “Wise Men” or “Magi” and their own short story. I’m not sure why – because it’s about a journey and movement and I’m not going anywhere right now.

Much of my life has been about movement, change, forward motion.  Now I’ve lived in Baltimore almost 9 years (!) and sometimes I don’t feel like I’m moving very much. But I guess even staying can be a type of journey.

So maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking about this and the Wise Men’s journeys. I like that there’s this ‘something’ that compels them – together – who knows how many there were – following a star to something that perhaps they weren’t even fully sure of. But they knew it was something special – something good.

So – keeping it simple this year – because honestly – for me it’s too easy to fall into last year’s hopelessness. Outwardly, I’m a happy person. I love life and people and going out. But in my writing and self-reflection, I tend to tip into despair and pessimism and questions. At heart, I’m a cynic – though I strive to be an idealist.

On reflecting on this over this last month, two things (as I see it) coincide with this Maji-Christmas story that keep me going – that (I think) kept them going.

In all journeys, we face deserts and darkness and setbacks. But it’s our companions that help us overcome them. Sure, I’m grateful for the journey and that which makes me stronger (blah blah blah :), but without those that travel with me, I’m not sure I’d keep moving at times. You know who you are.

And I’d love to stop here with that sweet and touching line, but let’s be honest once again. Who among us hasn’t felt completely alone on that road? There have been times that I’ve said “there’s no one there”. (And I know that I’ve also been one to miss a lonely person sitting there beside me.) But an important lesson I’ve had to learn as an adult (and re-learn again and again) that at this age – in our busy lives – it’s okay to say “I need a day”, “I need help”, “I’m struggling” – Because I think we believe no one else is and we have to look and strive the exact same way.

Then there’s that something – that drew the Maji on the journey, what kept them going – that great Hope, following that star – even if at times, it was only the belief that there was still a star hidden behind the clouds.

I love the part of the ‘wise men’ studying the stars (astrology anyone?) and suddenly realizing that God was born as child. And they follow this star to a place –  All this without a voice, without a visitation, without a dream. All because of a star and a belief.

So much trust. And so much certainty to travel that far.

It makes me ask: Are there times like that in my life that needed so much trust and certainty to propel me forward? Big decisions. Or moves really. My move to Baltimore. My continual stay here. Certainly my faith.

This story of the Maji reflects my own story and reminds me to look Beside me and look Up. It’s a story of a journey together with fellow travelers – propelled with a greater purpose and a belief in something beyond ourselves. Maybe even (maybe often) following something that sometimes we’re not always sure what it is, but certain the end will prove the journey.

For me, that’s hope. Not super deep but sometimes, that’s what keeps me from falling off the ledge :).

And just to end – here are a few of my pieces of hope this year: a place I now call ‘home’, seeing my little nephew after a long summer, old friends that re-surface in my life, new friends that I didn’t think I had anything in common with, sisters who I know will drop anything if I called them, a church that cares about the plight of refugees, immigrants and its own community, colleagues and a job that are more than that, a Thanksgiving that refreshed my soul, fellow travelers that always do, a family that draws me home each Christmas and the reason I celebrate every December.

And you. Taking the time to read this.